April13th - Our Miscarriage

It has been a continuing journey.  I haven't known how much to express on my blog about my miscarriage (remember this post?)- still don't really.  It has shown up whether I wanted it to or not.  Time has passed though, in fact one year today, and I feel a little stronger (braver).  Why does it take courage?  It shouldn't.  The unspoken rule about miscarriage; keep quiet, deal with it, and move on.  I haven't. 

This blog however doesn't feel like the right place.  Hopefully this is the place.  So, if you ever want to know how we are progressing, it will be there.  You can find a button that will take you there in my sidebar to the right.  Thank you for your prayers during this year.  I am forever thankful.  

Remembering

Today was my due date for our tiny little soul, Elizabeth Marie.  How I wish things could have been different.  I celebrate today that her soul found it's destination in Heaven so soon.  May she pray from Heaven for her family who longs for her.  

Our Angel

A beautiful statue of an angel to place in our garden to remember that there's a part of us already in heaven - our little soul, Elizabeth.  My Dad, Sisters and Brothers gave us this angel on a very important day.  I understand it wasn't without mishap and effort.  (We didn't know it at the time but this is the second one they had to buy.)   It has sat in a temporary place for a couple of months which made me sad.  Finally we had a full weekend at home (poor Kaye has had a fever for three days), so I was able to spend time giving it just the right place.  I love it!  I found a place where we can see it from the kitchen windows.  It feels good knowing it's there in it's right place.  My sister said they wanted to find something like the angel from this post.  I can't believe how close they got!

It means so much - thank you to my family!

San Juan Bautista

Today I visited San Juan Bautista, the 15th of California's 21 missions.  It has been another full week and I was surprised to see it's been almost a week since I have posted.  It's the grasshopper in me postponing loading all those photos from my camera.  I need a good chunk of time to do this.  I caught a cold in San Francisco too and have felt a little worn down.  

I visited the mission for a little retreat; talk, confession, Mass, meditation.  I was invited and at first said I didn't think I could attend because of my cold and schedule.  Then I was feeling little promptings to go.  Today was the feast of the Visitation, when Mary visited her cousin Elizabeth.  St. Elizabeth who I have been thinking about so much.  

That little connection came at a perfect time.  This week I was surprised when some grieving surfaced again.  I know God held my hand through it and brought me His true peace in at least two definite ways.  One was the retreat today and the "coincidence" of the feast of the Visitation.  Secondly a beautiful letter came from the priest who assisted us during the miscarriage.  He wrote how he was touched by the loving ways our larger family expressed their love for our baby.  I'm thankful he took the time to write that letter and it's amazing timing - for it arrived on the exact day when the sadness surfaced.

I'm glad we can carry on and be joyful but still have the little times of sadness for our child who can't be with us here.  I hope I always feel this.

The Trouble with Me

Blogging has been a lot of fun.  There have been many times when I've been excited about recording pictures and events to keep in our memory.  I have been wondering though, how true a reflection it will be of our year.  I've been feeling very confused lately, not knowing what to express.  I've always given myself an allotment of how much emotion I can feel/express.  How much should I express on my blog, to others who ask, to others who don't ask? You can tell which people just want you to get on with it and those who want you to trust them enough to share with them what it is you truly feel. 

So, until I figure out how guarded I should be, I will pick up writing about the life of our family (which is carrying on - because it must - but different than before).  I am deeply sad, but also honored, thankful, and proud of my family.  

edited:  I changed this post a little now that I feel less emotional.  I guess I allotted too much :)

Laughter is Good Medicine

Laughter heals.  Fortunately I'm married to a very funny man!  Throughout our marriage we have avoided and resolved many things through laughter.  Life can be serious but it can also be quite funny - sometimes at the same time. I had a visit to the e.r. Monday morning with pain which resolved itself. While going through something terrible and being between two thin curtains I laughed at DH's comments and expressions related to the two people on opposite sides of me who really had created their own problems. (I also said a prayer for them) I thought it peculiar that I could laugh at a time like that. Also, my older brother said that he was going to try to do something because Elizabeth Marie was his favorite unborn relative. I thought that was so funny (maybe you have to know him) and everytime I think of it I laugh.

This is another thing that humored me. I found it on Molly Piper's site. Take a look at the fabulous Miss Douglas - she wants that title so bad she has lost her common sense.  The kids especially like her C3PO walk.

Perhaps God adds a dose of good humor in the Grace He provides during tough times.  I am grateful he knows exactly how to heal!

I have been putting off writing this post.  Somehow writing it feels so concrete, like hope for this baby is really gone.  

I miscarried Sunday night.  Now I hope for Heaven for the tiniest of babies.  

The Second Reading

Today's second reading in Mass spoke to me.  Signs of miscarriage began Thursday evening and continue very slowly.  I feel so much dread and at night fear.  

1 Pt 2:20b-25 (see the entire reading here)

Beloved:

If you are patient when you suffer for doing what is good, 

this is grace before God.

For to this you have been called,

because Christ also suffered for you,

leaving you an example that you should follow in His footsteps.

Confirmation

Yesterday's ultrasound confirmed the one we received last Friday.  It appears the baby grew only to 6 weeks.  I prayed for a great technician and we did have one.  She patiently explained all she was seeing.  It helped me to accept it.  It has been hard to continually feel pregnancy symptoms and not have any signs of miscarriage.  I think the doctor was a bit miffed at us this morning for not taking his advice to have a D&C.  I told him I'm 95% sure I'm having a miscarriage, I just want my body to convince me of the other 5%.  

We have an appointment with our priest tomorrow afternoon.  Since we believe the baby has a soul at conception we are concerned about respecting the remains.  Thank you to all who prayed so hard!

Ultrasound Today

The doctor didn't have any hope yesterday and said it would take a miracle.  I requested an ultrasound which will be performed today at 1:30.  We are praying for the miracle of seeing a little heart beating today.  Will you join us?

Hope in Prayer

 

I haven't felt like getting on the computer but I thought I would leave a small update.  My hormone levels were tested yesterday and they came back high, consistent with 9 weeks.  The nurse said at that level they should be seeing a heart rate.  I have a doctor appointment late this afternoon.  We are praying there is some reason the ultrasound is not picking up the heartbeat or correct measurements.  I haven't had any signs of miscarriage and continue to feel the symptoms of pregnancy.  Please pray for us.  

Sorrowful

We didn't have good results from our ultrasound on Thursday.  The nurse in our dr's office couldn't find anything but explained their equipment wasn't too powerful.  We went in for a detailed ultrasound yesterday afternoon.  Right away the technician told us she wouldn't be able to give us any information but she would call our doctor that afternoon.  Immediately she said "there is a pregnancy" (no surprise).  Then after a minute she said "I can tell you that this pregnancy is not 9 weeks."  At that point we both looked at each other and knew.  I asked her to take a picture and she said "of what?"  This made me even more sad but I responded "of the pregnancy." 

We had to wait in the lobby about 30-40 minutes while they called the doctor.  Since my doctor was already gone for the weekend they had to wait for the on-call doctor to call back.  We waited that long to be told to call my regular doctor on Monday.  This time period was very difficult because I was trying to hold it together for the girls who were in the lobby.  Kaye immediately knew something was wrong but patiently didn't ask.  When final word came the only information they could tell us was the baby measured 6 weeks 5 days, no cardiac activity.

We are so sad.

Baby Tickers

Yeah!  I found that our baby looks like a normal baby now in the baby ticker on the right.  I moved the other one to the very bottom so I could read the entire sentence on development.  A little progress - tomorrow the ultrasound.

Lessons I'm Teaching that I Haven't Learned Myself

  Today one of the girls had a follow-up pulmonology appointment at our children's hospital.  To say she was dreading it would be putting it lightly.  The appointment itself is pretty easy but I think it was going to the children's hospital, performing the breathing tests over and over to get it just right, and the fear of the exam itself.  It started with worry, then fear, then a snotty attitude.

After the appointment she walked to the car mad because she was expecting it to be her last appt. there and the doctor asked to see her again in late Summer.  I explained that everyone has something.  I listed her sister's dental issues, another's asthma, friends recent outpatient surgery to remove a skin issue, her cousin's eye surgery, and all the poor sick kids in that hospital who are truly suffering.  

At the beginning I even listed some of my lovely pregnancy appts. up ahead but she responded, "but Mom I'm not forty yet!"  On the way home I talked about offering a little suffering we have for someone who is really suffering.  Our suffering can be a prayer, an offering to God on behalf of someone else.  This is when I stopped and realized (silently of course), "hey why am I not doing this!"  

There are so many couples dying to have children, women who have terrible pregnancies, and if God gives us another child who am I to complain about any inconvenience, discomfort, or unfounded worry.  I need to walk my talk and offer to God my miniscule difficulties for the many who truly suffer.

One Mean Craving - One Nice Husband

I planned to make meatloaf tonight...then I started to feel the usual afternoon queasy stage coming on.  Nothing can get me through a queasy stage like salt.  I started to think how good it would be to have miso soup, then went to dreaming about fried rice, then to an angel hair roll (all fully cooked above), then it was good-bye meatloaf.  DH being the supportive husband, agreed to go get some sushi.  The Girls however talked us into sitting at the teppan yaki table so they could see the food show.  

 

It turned out to be expensive and decadent for a week-night meal so we decided to enjoy ourselves like this would be the only indulgence during this trimester :)

Three happy Girls tonight enjoying the food show, thanks to Mom's craving and Dad's good nature.  Tomorrow meatloaf.  I better have some salt close by to get me through tomorrow afternoon's temptation.

First OB Appt.

Today was my first doctor appt. although it was just with the nurse.  We went over a lot of paperwork for labs, background information and went home with a lot of vitamin samples with the right combination to help the little annoyances of pregnancy.  The girls were excited to get a free diaper bag and changing pad.  They have been excited about purchasing something for the baby.  Next week I go in for an early ultrasound.  At that appt. they'll determine the due date based on measurements.  

One thing pregnancy does (even when it's your fourth), is open a floodgate of worry.  It seems like you want to get over one stage of worry to begin the next.  The nurse talked about the options available to me now that I'm over 35.  Genetic counseling, Amnio, detailed Ultrasound, options as early as 11 weeks which made me suspicious - wondering why you would have to know so early.  If we want a detailed ultrasound, genetic counseling goes with it.  I've been asking for prayers from St. Elizabeth who was an older mother herself.  I just saw her picture and noticed her feast day is my current due date - November 5th!

Hibernation

Just in case you think Cee, aka "Funky Cold Medina," is a rough little girl dabbling in gangster, I thought I'd post a sweet picture with her little shadow, Nutmeg.  I can just picture her 9 months from now in the same pose holding a little bundle, hopefully with less fur.

Jae has finally taken a turn for the better.  Poor girl was so sick with an awful combination of symptoms.  Since I thought it was viral I wasn't planning on taking her to the doctor just yet, but my sister thought I shouldn't wait too long.  I'm glad I took her in because both ears had a lot of fluid, evidence of bacterial infection on her tonsils (white spots), and lovely "pink eye."  No wonder she didn't want to eat.  The first dose of antibiotic was thrown up, but now by the third she asked to go outside for a little while.  Since it was sunny I think it helped.  

I've been sick too but to a lesser degree although with the pregnancy fatigue and mild nausea it has wiped me out.  It's both good and bad that it's Spring Break this week.  We had planned to go to the zoo to see the new stingray exhibit and to see Horton Hears a Who but so far we haven't been able to do anything.  It's good that we aren't missing any school but I hope we can squeeze in a couple of fun things.  Today Kaye and Cee came down in their bathing suits begging to go swimming.  I can't get over that they really think it's a possibility in 71 degree weather. We settled on having them ride their bikes in front.  It's going to be a long Spring!

Slumber, Hormones, and Slumber

My head is about as clear as mud.  I guess it's the combination of shock, hormones, lack of caffeine and hormones (did I say hormones?) that is making it difficult to post about one thing.  Kaye's slumber party was a hit last Friday night.  We had three computers set up for their Webkinz enjoyment, a Wii boxing competition, a quiz about the birthday girl that made her come alive and want us to turn down her volume, and movies.  In typical fashion they slept very little, from around 2:15 - 5:45 (when I first heard them).  You know you're older when you can't imagine why they would find that fun.  

I found myself looking up the age of celebrities that I know are pregnant.  Nicole Kidman is a year older than I am, Cate Blanchett a year younger, but forget about Angelina Jolie she is just a baby.  Of course they're all fit like they were twenty.  Why am I doing this?  I'm obsessing about my age and being pregnant.  I'm going to try to stop that and pray more.  When I do, I find some peace.  

Today for the first time I'm feeling little waves of nausea (not just when I'm looking up celebrities' ages).  I'm trying not to think of that feeling too much.  I have been very tired.  The last two nights I went up to bed at 8:30.  I've been getting up at night too for the restroom (I can't believe that starts so early).   I'm past my new bedtime so I better close up.  I'm hoping to find some clarity in the coming days.

btw, I couldn't decide on a baby ticker, so I've used both for the time being.  I'm debating though, whether it's a good idea to post the picture so early.  Right now it does kind of look like a grasshopper's "baby."  Hmmm, maybe I should just change the wording.

Reactions to the Big News

Since it was Kaye's birthday and the day we found out the big news, we decided to wrap a note in a box for her to open on her birthday.  This is when she read the first line "Mommy is expecting..."

This is when Kaye and Cee read the rest "...we are having a baby!"

Jae had walked out of the room to get something, so they went into the other room to tell her. 

She wanted to go upstairs to see HOW we knew.

This is our reaction:

"Uh, excuse me?"

As we told the family we were blessed with some really nice reactions which makes all the difference!  Maybe after a few more days of sleep it will all sink in a little better.

Our Big Surprise this Weekend!