How Much He Believes in Me

Looking for a little motivation, in the way a classic youngest child would do, I asked DH what he would give me if I woke up first thing in the morning and walked on the treadmill and ate Kashi for breakfast for 30 days.  "A new car" he said.  Now, he's not in the market for a new car, we both really like our car with the exception of it's rate of gasoline consumption, so this only indicates his sad level of belief in my discipline.  If I wanted a new car I should've tested him, but I don't.  What I do want is a digital video camera so we can store events on the computer.  So it's a deal.  He thinks he won't have to buy me one.  So far I've completed 5 days in a row - 25 to go.  We do have an exception when we travel away for a couple of days...but apparently then I have to do sit-ups.

Okay, so my system is not used to all this Kashi.  The day after my first serving, Nutmeg, our chihuahua was sitting on my lap.  My stomach and digestive system were rumbling (not in an outward motion), squeaking and turning.   All of a sudden I had a big rumble and she got so scared she darted off my lap, ran a few feet and looked back.  That's how powerful the stuff is.  I hope my body can adjust.  Maybe walking and Kashi are a bad combination, but it's too late - I must endure.

On that topic, this is something I overheard from one of my family members this morning (who will remain nameless), "whew, I think my coo has allergies."  

(In Portuguese "coo" is a word used for your behind.  Not sure if I have the spelling right.)

The Trouble with Me

Blogging has been a lot of fun.  There have been many times when I've been excited about recording pictures and events to keep in our memory.  I have been wondering though, how true a reflection it will be of our year.  I've been feeling very confused lately, not knowing what to express.  I've always given myself an allotment of how much emotion I can feel/express.  How much should I express on my blog, to others who ask, to others who don't ask? You can tell which people just want you to get on with it and those who want you to trust them enough to share with them what it is you truly feel. 

So, until I figure out how guarded I should be, I will pick up writing about the life of our family (which is carrying on - because it must - but different than before).  I am deeply sad, but also honored, thankful, and proud of my family.  

edited:  I changed this post a little now that I feel less emotional.  I guess I allotted too much :)

Schoolhouse Rock

Do you remember this?  As a child, during our usual Saturday morning cartoons (being allowed to watch only up to a certain time), my brother, sister and I enjoyed the songs of Schoolhouse Rock.  When Cee was memorizing the Preamble this week I was surprised to discover I could sing all of it.  I found this clip on You Tube, and in just 5 minutes she knows most of it now too.  I also remember replaying in my mind "How a Bill Becomes a Law" during a Civics exam.  Then there's also "Conjunction Junction" that came in handy in English class.  Boy, those images really stuck.  Here's a treat for those 40 and over. (...and anyone in need of recalling the Preamble in a pinch.)

Homework Assignment

Jae wrote this for her Kindergarten homework.  They have free writing assignments where they have to sound out words and express their thoughts.  They read Little Red Riding Hood and were asked to write about what they like to do with their Grandparents.  I just helped with the pictures and slowly sounding out "Chukchansi."

"I like to go to Papa home to play with my (cousins).  Papa gives me (soap).  I went to (Chukchansi) with my Grandma.  She (brought) brownies in a bag.  I love Papa and Grandma.

(To clarify, the only place Jae sees bar soap is at Papa's.  She especially likes his Irish Spring blue bar in the girl's bathroom.  He gives her one now and then and she gets so excited.  We use liquid bath and hand soaps at home.  We do have Ivory bar soap in our shower but it's too high for her to see :)  Also,  Grandma isn't a regular at Chukchansi [an Indian casino] lugging around her little grandchildren bribing them to be quiet with brownies.  It was the only half way point to meet for dinner.)

Breakfast with the Animals

Saturday morning we had a great time at Breakfast with the Animals at the zoo.  Although it was crowded the lines moved fast because of all the volunteers.  While we waited in line there were animal trainers that came to teach about various small animals they had with them.  The pancake breakfast, although very simple, was tasty and the girls enjoyed listening-in to the bird show next door.  After breakfast they got their faces painted and then it was off to enjoy the zoo.  We were able to 

pet the stingrays, walk through the rain forest with birds flying overhead, safely made it through the reinforced tiger exhibit, watched the elephants, fed gentle giraffes, visited the world's largest rodent - capybara, saw this amazing blue-billed duck, walked

through the reptile house, annoyed a crabby camel, touched lion, tiger, and reindeer fur, saw close up of a bear claw, porcupine quills, and the inside of a giant sea turtle, and best of all we made it out the gates without visiting the gift shop.  

We had one of those days where everything turns out just right. We arrived when we wanted which ended up helping with the long breakfast line, we lucked out on parking near the entrance, the weather turned out to be nice, we saw new and interesting animals, we walked at our own pace, fed the sweet giraffes which was the highlight, and the girls came home with a free souvenir they didn't wash off for two days.  

Thank you to Pope Benedict for his hope, humility, confidence, intellectualism, peace, and representation of our Lord, Jesus Christ this last week in the United States.  These are his words:

"Dear Friends, truth is not an imposition.  Nor is it simply a set of rules.  It is a discovery of the One who never fails us; the One whom we can always trust.  In seeking truth we come to live by belief because ultimately truth is a person:  Jesus Christ.  That is why authentic freedom is not an opting out.  It is an opting in; nothing less than letting go of self and allowing oneself to be drawn into Christ's very being for others."

"Do you leave space to hear God's whisper, calling you forth into goodness?  Friends, do not be afraid of silence or stillness, listen to God, adore Him in the Eucharist.  Let His word shape your journey as an unfolding of holiness."

picture credit:  EWTN

Laughter is Good Medicine

Laughter heals.  Fortunately I'm married to a very funny man!  Throughout our marriage we have avoided and resolved many things through laughter.  Life can be serious but it can also be quite funny - sometimes at the same time. I had a visit to the e.r. Monday morning with pain which resolved itself. While going through something terrible and being between two thin curtains I laughed at DH's comments and expressions related to the two people on opposite sides of me who really had created their own problems. (I also said a prayer for them) I thought it peculiar that I could laugh at a time like that. Also, my older brother said that he was going to try to do something because Elizabeth Marie was his favorite unborn relative. I thought that was so funny (maybe you have to know him) and everytime I think of it I laugh.

This is another thing that humored me. I found it on Molly Piper's site. Take a look at the fabulous Miss Douglas - she wants that title so bad she has lost her common sense.  The kids especially like her C3PO walk.

Perhaps God adds a dose of good humor in the Grace He provides during tough times.  I am grateful he knows exactly how to heal!

I have been putting off writing this post.  Somehow writing it feels so concrete, like hope for this baby is really gone.  

I miscarried Sunday night.  Now I hope for Heaven for the tiniest of babies.  

The Second Reading

Today's second reading in Mass spoke to me.  Signs of miscarriage began Thursday evening and continue very slowly.  I feel so much dread and at night fear.  

1 Pt 2:20b-25 (see the entire reading here)

Beloved:

If you are patient when you suffer for doing what is good, 

this is grace before God.

For to this you have been called,

because Christ also suffered for you,

leaving you an example that you should follow in His footsteps.

There is Always Joy

The Beggers get their way!  It was 88 degrees today so we could finally give-in to the constant asking and let the girls go swimming.  They have been so anxious, bordering on annoying even when it was in the upper 60's.  Of course they lasted a good five minutes in the big pool and changed to the heated spa.  Look Nutmeg is about to catch some waves herself.  

This little girl scored a goal today at her indoor soccer game - off the chest!

My favorite roses from our backyard, "Double Delight."  The fragrance surprises me everytime I'm at the sink.  At first I thought someone sprayed perfume.

Cee imitating "Penelope."  Don't you think it looks pretty natural in this picture?  She used a clear piece of tape.  She was diligently working at the school table and surprised me when she looked up.  

...and lastly, this video clip from my childhood friend, "Leelee"who now lives in Norway.  Check out her new fun blog, The View from LaLaLand.

Confirmation

Yesterday's ultrasound confirmed the one we received last Friday.  It appears the baby grew only to 6 weeks.  I prayed for a great technician and we did have one.  She patiently explained all she was seeing.  It helped me to accept it.  It has been hard to continually feel pregnancy symptoms and not have any signs of miscarriage.  I think the doctor was a bit miffed at us this morning for not taking his advice to have a D&C.  I told him I'm 95% sure I'm having a miscarriage, I just want my body to convince me of the other 5%.  

We have an appointment with our priest tomorrow afternoon.  Since we believe the baby has a soul at conception we are concerned about respecting the remains.  Thank you to all who prayed so hard!

Ultrasound Today

The doctor didn't have any hope yesterday and said it would take a miracle.  I requested an ultrasound which will be performed today at 1:30.  We are praying for the miracle of seeing a little heart beating today.  Will you join us?

Hope in Prayer

 

I haven't felt like getting on the computer but I thought I would leave a small update.  My hormone levels were tested yesterday and they came back high, consistent with 9 weeks.  The nurse said at that level they should be seeing a heart rate.  I have a doctor appointment late this afternoon.  We are praying there is some reason the ultrasound is not picking up the heartbeat or correct measurements.  I haven't had any signs of miscarriage and continue to feel the symptoms of pregnancy.  Please pray for us.  

Sorrowful

We didn't have good results from our ultrasound on Thursday.  The nurse in our dr's office couldn't find anything but explained their equipment wasn't too powerful.  We went in for a detailed ultrasound yesterday afternoon.  Right away the technician told us she wouldn't be able to give us any information but she would call our doctor that afternoon.  Immediately she said "there is a pregnancy" (no surprise).  Then after a minute she said "I can tell you that this pregnancy is not 9 weeks."  At that point we both looked at each other and knew.  I asked her to take a picture and she said "of what?"  This made me even more sad but I responded "of the pregnancy." 

We had to wait in the lobby about 30-40 minutes while they called the doctor.  Since my doctor was already gone for the weekend they had to wait for the on-call doctor to call back.  We waited that long to be told to call my regular doctor on Monday.  This time period was very difficult because I was trying to hold it together for the girls who were in the lobby.  Kaye immediately knew something was wrong but patiently didn't ask.  When final word came the only information they could tell us was the baby measured 6 weeks 5 days, no cardiac activity.

We are so sad.

7 Random Things

This is a little meme I got from Kelli Crowe.  Here are seven random things about me.

1.  As you may have picked up, my favorite things to eat are often a little odd.  I'll choose a pickle over ice cream at our favorite ice cream parlor (started as a little girl), my favorite food item is lupini beans, I used to spend my spare money as a little girl on sunflower seeds, I'd beg and beg for jerky, I sometimes eat raw potatoes, love escargot, hot water, I'll drink pickle and olive juice and so on.  Do I have some deficiency (besides mental)?

2.  I've been known to throw up and/or get very nauseated when someone is a fast, non-stop talker.  The worst was when my neighbor visited me in the maternity ward after having our second child, I threw up right in front of her - lovely.  She didn't have a clue it was because of her.  Several other times I was on the verge with different people.  None that read my blog though - so don't worry.

3.  When I was in 5th grade I won a $200 Super Bowl bet when I randomly picked a score while at a friends house.  Cha-ching!  I was living in high cotton with my case of sunflower seeds!

4.  I was much braver before I got married.  I'd drive home late (4 hour trip) to my L.A. area apartment by myself after a weekend at home.  I remember driving down the alley close to midnight, getting out of my car to open the garage manually, driving in, walking down the alley into my darkened complex and into my corner apartment.  I also went to London my last semester in college.  We (3 girls) took personal taxis home after the subway closed.  When I say personal I mean a stranger in his private car lined up to give rides (legal in London).  I must warn our girls never to be so stupid!

5.  I wonder about people who don't like animals.

6.  I once cleaned my older brother's bedroom and did his laundry.  It was so bad I felt I deserved the $12 I found in one of his jean pockets.  (I wonder if I ever confessed that?)

7.  Family, (birth and married) has always been my greatest gift.  Before we got married DH and I talked about children.  DH wanted 2, I wanted 4.  I guess I win. :)

Now I tag Lisa at This Crazy Little Life of Mine and Kathy at Katviper and anyone else who would like to do this.  If you don't have a blog - sequin, I'm talking to you - leave your list in my comments.

Baby Tickers

Yeah!  I found that our baby looks like a normal baby now in the baby ticker on the right.  I moved the other one to the very bottom so I could read the entire sentence on development.  A little progress - tomorrow the ultrasound.

April Fool's Day

Whew, the tricks started early this morning.  I was directed by Kaye to get up early this morning to change DH's alarm clock up two hours which actually worked for a brief minute.  I heard rustling in one of the bedrooms.  I usually go down first to have a cup of coffee (now decaf) and DH gets up in time to wake the kids.  When he went into their rooms he turned down the covers to find dolls.  Then he peaked in the closet - no they weren't in there, then tried to surprise them along side the bed and yelled, "April Fools" - but no they weren't there either.  He finally found them hiding in the bathroom.  Now some of these girls struggle in the morning to get up, but give them a joke to play and their bouncy.

It has been that way all day.  Jae went to Kindergarten this morning and told her teacher that her Mom was going to bring in her puppies to show the class at 10:00.  The teacher asked "more than one puppy?"  Then said "well, hmmm, maybe we can tell her to bring them in later at the end of class."  Then Jae smiled and said, "April Fools!"  The teacher laughed and said "you got me!"  

The day proceeded on with little silly jokes all day long.  We thought we were being fooled when while in a parking lot after piano a lady walked up and opened our car door while we were in it.  It scared us for half a second but one look at her and we knew she was a confused (and embarrassed) Grandma who had gotten the wrong car.  So, now we try to get these little trickers in bed.  They're still trying to scheme up plans to fool us.  Ahhh, April 2nd will be nice and quiet, hopefully.